BY HARRY RING
And worse than useless - "Our enemies want to stop new prison construction and give prisoners more rights. They say we're overpaid and under worked." - Complaint by California prison guards' "union."

Seize the time - A Santa Barbara newspaper ad announced "a timely workshop for local employers." Subject: "How to hire and fire in California without getting sued."

In a nutshell - That Santa Barbara seminar was led by a "firing instructor" for the American Management Assn. Sketching a firing scenario, he advised: "Simply announce a decision has been made. Never apologize, agree, or argue."

'Sorry about that' - Marisa Means, 8, was shook up when her dad took her to his job on Take Our Daughters to Work Day and their day was abruptly cut short when he was called in and fired. A company spokesman said, "The timing of the dismissal of Mr. Means was regrettable."

Dr. IQ - In the North Carolina legislature, Rep. Henry Aldridge argued against abortion funding for low-income women. He declared that women who get raped don't get pregnant because, "the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work."

'What's good for the goose?' - In the Florida legislature, Sen. Howard Forman argued against a move to impose a 24-hour waiting period on women seeking an abortion.

He offered an amendment to make it illegal "to engage in sexual activities that may cause the conception of a child unless at least 24 hours prior to such activity, the man has received counseling regarding the ramifications of producing a child." Motion defeated.

It's the thought that counts - A California entrepreneur is marketing a pocket-size bulletproof bible. "We wouldn't want anyone to substitute it for a protective vest." he said. "But we think it would make an ideal gift."

And how are you doing? - In 1994, the top dogs at major U.S. corporations "earned" an average of $883,000, up 11 percent from '93.

Free-market medicine - In India, dealers do nicely selling kidneys bought from the impoverished. Now they're into stealing them.

One jobless worker, at a clinic to sell blood, was put to sleep and woke up with a big incision. He was told the blood was drawn from his waist because they needed a lot of it. Later, when getting medical treatment, he learned he was missing a kidney.  
 
 
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