BY HARRY RING
Un-American - The Democratic National Committee decided to return $107,000 donated by two impoverished Oklahoma tribes who believed it would get them back an area of stolen land. The Democrats said the tribes seemed to think you have to pay to get the government's ear.

Who's on first? - Washington tells Wal-Mart it's violating the embargo by selling Cuban-made pajamas in its Canadian stores. The PJs come off the shelf. Canada says this violates its law penalizing those who abide by Helms- Burton. The Canadian chain says it's putting them back. The U.S. office says no. Some suspect a charade. Washington says the Wal-Mart action is based on the original Kennedy embargo, not Helms Burton. Stay tuned.

Why there's an embargo - In Havana, 800 international guests attended a $500-a-plate benefit dinner for Cuba's health care system. A special crafted humidor with 90 choice cigars and autographed by Fidel Castro was auctioned off for $130,000. Mused Fidel, "For two of these we could have paid the entire expense of our ground militia."

No gratitude - Philip Morris must have been put off when Liggett copped a plea, saying, yes, it's true, tobacco is an addictive killer. Suspecting the smaller company might buckle, PM had been footing part of its legal bills. We predict a new stress on the industry's keenest argument - they save the taxpayers money by killing off people before they reach retirement age.

`You'll die for your country' - To help balance Italy's budget the employment minister suggested that the pension age for soccer players be boosted from the present 45 to 60, the country's standard retirement age.

That old bottom line - A single wide-body plane, especially one of the older ones, can belch out 100 pounds of poisonous fumes on each take-off and landing. In 1993, the total at U.S. airports was 350 million pounds. Yet Washington and U.S. airlines along with Russia, said no to a modest international proposal to cut new-engine emissions 16 percent. They said it would up the cost of planes and mean less miles per gallon.

Flexibly rigid - The Vatican reminded divorced Catholics not to have sex with new spouses. Not recognizing divorce, the church views subsequent nonplatonic unions as a state of sin.

Meanwhile - Priests were instructed to give absolution to couples who admit using contraceptives, even if reportedly. The only proviso is that they confess each time.

Cloned or canned? - Towers Perrin creates corporate workplace "diversity" programs. With fees of up to $360 an hour, they do one-on-one interviews with company execs and peruse employee surveys. Now some clients are squawking because they found that apart from the name of the company, the studies and recommendations seem to be identical.

We agree, bum rap - A Towers Perrin person says their findings and proposals seem identical because so many of the companies have the same policies. Right. Do they want a report that says: "Your practices are racist and sexist. Don't be surprised when your workers do something about it."  
 
 
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