BY HARRY RING
`Dang, must be somewhere' -About 30,000 of the 70,000 U.S. nuclear weapons produced since WWII can't be accounted for. But, the feds assure, they've located a data base and 15 million pages of documents that may provide the answer. They estimate the search will take two years and $3 million.

Why kids love school - We were never into giving gifts to teachers, but we felt a real sense of kinship with the 13-year- old in Griffin, Georgia, who was suspended for 10 days for giving a teacher a bottle of French wine for Xmas. The bottle was wrapped and unopened, but she turned him in for violating the school's "zero tolerance" policy.

Sounds rational, no? - According to Associated Press, a federal prison psychiatrist found "unabomber" suspect Theodore Kaczynski a paranoid schizophrenic, but competent to stand trial.

A pious pair - Britain's Labour prime minister, Anthony Blair, declared that his deep-cutting welfare "reform" scheme won't harm those who are "genuinely disabled or in need." His stand was lauded by George Carey, Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury. Carey assured that the PM was a "Christian man."

Your neighborly bill collector - Fall behind on your water bill in the small town of Erving, Massachusetts, and you face the prospect of a bright red X on the curb outside your home. Time was when a town official would phone delinquents. But, as one explained, the threat of a scarlet X is the "more professional way to do things."

Health vs. wealth - "In the current movie, `As Good As It Gets,' actress Helen Hunt launches into a tirade against the `greedy' HMO she accuses of withholding medical care from her asthmatic son. Moviegoers across the country are erupting in cheers and applause at the scene." - Los Angeles Times.

Pot sues kettle - State Farm, the insurance biggie noted for its capacity to hike rates with every fender bender, is suing Ford. It charges the car maker installed defective ignition switches in 26 million cars and, for years, withheld info. on the potential fire hazards. We assume, of course, that if State Farms wins on this, rates will be reduced accordingly.

And no lawns to mow - A Bahamas-based firm is building a humongous ship offering private apartments for those who want to cruise the world while they work. Fully furnished and large enough to accommodate family, friends and servants. You can snap up an apartment for $1.17 million plus to $5.83 million. Maintenance, up to $20,000 a month.

`Besides, fat's cheaper' - The Iowa Pork Producers Ass'n called on companies that can pork and beans to consider leaner recipes. One farmer explained that the "meat" used in pork and beans is mostly fat and doesn't meet today's demand for leaner products. A Campbell Soup chap snorted that they sell 100 million cans of the stuff yearly and aren't about to tamper with the artery-clogging recipe.  
 
 
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